Why is he going to shul so late
What’s he doing on his phone
Why do you need an iPhone
My mother would ask
And I would cringe
When my husband woke up late
At my parents house
I felt such shame
I felt interrogated about our whereabouts
I felt threatened to participate in game night
When my husband wanted to walk with me and my mother wanted us to talk on the phone with my brother I was tugged on both sides
And the anger on my mothers face
So scary
The judgement
Why are you going for pizza
The cajoling
Stay another day
It’s not fair that you spend more time at your in-laws
Why don’t you come after birth
The pressure
Come on this trip with us
The lack of privacy
Coming into our bedroom
Your husband doesn’t help enough
Was the unsaid sentiment
I had to cover for him
And then I felt resentful
Why was he going for coffee
I was so confused
I felt torn
My husband wanted to spend intimate time with me
My mother desperate for my company
The need to fill her up
With joy
To fill her house with joy
The onus on me
Visiting with two babies was a nightmare
My mother couldn’t tolerate the mess
The pressure I felt to help my mother
To prevent her from being angry
To prevent her from abusing my siblings even more
Survivors guilt
My siblings angry
Judging me for moving on
For not spending more time with them
For making my own life
For finding emotional health and happiness
My mother empty nesting so lonely
I worried about her
Her emotions so big, splattering everywhere
Causing havoc to my marriage
Her clinging desperately to my kids
To my new family’s simchas
So needy for joy
Wanting more grandchildren
My husband did not like my city
Did not like going to my parents
I don’t blame him
We moved to Israel
They pressured me to take care of my young adult brother
While newly married with a baby
They came to visit
Expecting fancy suppers
Taking over my kitchen
Walking into the house whenever they pleased
They made my children and my husband and I uncomfortable with their unhealthy obsession with my children
Stay longer in Israel they said
Why are you leaving kollel
Why are you working full time
She judged
Just after birth my husband wanting to spend some time with me
My mother was insulted
The need to keep her happy
So hard
Then there were the biggies
Like when we visited other family members
My father’s harsh rebuke and disappointment
My mother’s icy silence
Every holiday marred by my mother’s disappointment
The straw that broke the camel's back
You need to come longer for the holiday
They demanded
Our rabbi says not to-
We said
They begged, pleaded
I cried all week
The Rabbi said not to go
We went for only for a few days
With the Rabbi’s blessing
A few months later
I was drowning in depression and anxiety
Traumatized from child abuse
My therapist and Rabbi said to create some distance with my parents
They begged pitifully
We stood our ground
We set up boundaries
Each one life saving for me
Slowly I am healing
They learned to stop begging
They still try to control their visits
I use all my energy to keep healthy boundaries while sharing our children with them
They visit
I spend time with them
To the degree I can tolerate
Without regressing
My marriage is blossoming
I love and respect my husband
I cherish the healthy home I’ve built
I see my siblings’ codependency
And cry for them
And feel so grateful for the boundaries we set and the boundaries we keep
The content here should not be used as advice in any way. Each woman needs to seek the counsel of a competent professional or an established Rav to make choices that are right for her and her family.
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