Six Tips for a Successful Marriage
Taken from Laura Doyle's The Empowered Wife with some additional insights from my marriage coach. Please refer to the book for a more elaborate explanation of each skill.
As you become aware of these skills and start to use them slowly keep in mind that each time you are even aware that there is a proactive response you can be taking - you have already started reaching out of your comfort zone and should be proud of yourself for learning new skills to bring out the best in you and your marriage!
1. Self Care
Fill yourself up with love by doing small things such as getting a drink of water, taking a lunch break etc. Do this with the intention of giving to yourself. While giving to yourself Use Self Talk: “I’m taking care of you because I love you” Give to yourself by doing something you enjoy (a cup coffee, listening to music, engaging in a hobby). Own your happiness. It’s YOUR job to make yourself happy. Only when we love ourselves can we be loving & compassionate to others.
2. Relinquish Control
Consider how YOU would feel hearing what you say to your spouse.
Hold back comments that may come across as controlling. For example: Your shirt is dirty. You should ask for a raise. These statements can feel like criticism and can lead to a loss of connection between the two of you. Give him his autonomy. This breeds trust.
3. Receive Graciously
Rejection of ANY type of kindness, help or compliment also rejects the emotional closeness spouse was seeking when delivering the “gift.” Look out for ways that your husband is taking care of you & let that fill you-even if it’s not the “gift” you would like to receive.
4. Respect
Respect for men is like oxygen. Don’t dismiss, criticize, contradict or teach.
Apologize when when you've said something rude.
5. Express Gratitude
Gratitude should be expressed 3 times a day at minimum. Sharing gratitude highlights the fact that you are noticing the positive words, behaviors or actions that your husband is taking & it encourages the same behavior in future. To make expressing gratitude even more powerful you can use expressions like “I felt so loved when you____ or I felt so cared for when ____.
Do your best to say it with warmth and a smile this can really go a long way. Compliment freely it shows you love & accept your husband for who he is.
6. Strive to be Vulnerable
Express your core desire without placing blame on your spouse. For example: “I miss you” instead of: “you never spend time with me.” Consider responding with "ouch" or remain silent when your spouse is insensitive instead of retaliating and losing more connection. You can always come back to a conversation on how you felt hurt at a later time when things have calmed down instead of retaliating now and exacerbating the situation.
Listen for the “heart” message being conveyed beyond the actual words used. Meaning, think about what your spouse is really telling you when he is saying something critical or negative. Is he letting you know he's hurt, frustrated, overwhelmed, wants more love and attention? Try to hear his emotions and desires behind the words that he is saying.
Try to be warm & loving to your husband as you interact with him.